"She looks like she could have been happy in another life..."

I'm sitting here a little bored so I figured I'd blog a bit.

There's been a lot going on in my life right now and I think it might be good to get it out. It may sound like a lot of whining but I assure you, that's exactly what it is. I just need to vent. I know other people have more serious problems in their lives and I'm not completely oblivious to that, but it's really hard to help other people fix their lives when I feel completely powerless to fix mine.

First of all, I need to get either a second crappy job, or a completely new better job. I'm going to school to be a bartender but no one will hire me until I'm 21. In the meantime I have applied to several restaurants and even Target and Wal*Mart. I also have been realizing and chastising myself for my shopping problem. I've joked about having a shopping problem but until last night I never realized to actual extent of it. I never opened my bank statements. My dad once told me to save them... So I throw the unopened envelopes into a file in my drawer. Well, I was cleaning and I decided it was time to organize them. I did the same thing with my pay stubs from DOTS. In 2009 I made roughly $7,000 at DOTS alone. I also did graphic work, and temp work. Currently I owe a good deal of money to a handful of people and have $2.18 in my checking account and $5.79 in my savings. I spend money on clothes, shoes, DVDs, going to movies, dancing, food, gas, other people, my car, and insurance. Some of those are neccessary... but I really need to reevaluate my spending habits. It's not even like I pay full price for clothes or DVDs. I either purchase second hand or with a discount. But it doesn't matter. Quanity over weighs the Quality. It doesn't matter how much I save if I shop often. So, I'm going to cut back considerably on my shopping. I'm also going to try and find a job that is not DOTS because I can not keep that discount. It's too taunting to shop whenever we get new shipment or markdowns (which are next week btw).

Another reason I need to start saving is because I am determined to get my own place by this fall. My dad and I aren't going to be in our house much longer. He's moving in with his fiance and her son and unless a large amount of money miraculously falls into my lap, I'm going to have to go with for a while. I really don't want to for a few reasons. A few of the superficial reasons are; the room is a little bigger than some walk-in closets I've seen, the closet may as well be non-existant, and even though the bathroom is attached to my room- I'll be sharing said bathroom with my soon-to-be-step-brother who will have to come through my room any time he needs to use the bathroom. I wont be able to have friends over because if more than one person is in that room at a time it can get clausterphobic. But more than all of that, I feel like if I move out on my own before we lose the house I feel like I may have some control over what is happening in my own life. Now, I know even thinking I have control of my life is a joke. "Wanna make God laugh? Tell him your plans." But it would be nice to feel like I'm actually moving forward with my life.

For now though, I've started packing and going through things. We really don't know if we'll be here another month or the rest of the summer but I'm just getting a jump start on things. I'm also thinking a yard sale is in order. Not sure how much I'll get for half this crap but whatever... every little bit helps.

I'm glad I got that out. It all still bothers me but it's still a little better.

"Every day seems like a lifetime..."

So, I was watching 'How I Met Your Mother' the other day and it aroused a terrific question, one actually related to my world as of recently... "Should an ex be invited to your wedding?"

My boyfriend, David, and I were watching the show and he asked me, "What do you think? Would you invite and ex to your wedding?" I thought about it and realized that there are a lot of factors and questions you need to ask first. For example, how long did you two date? How serious was the relationship? How did it end? Are you still friends and see each other or speak on a regular basis? How does your fiance get along with your ex? And each of those questions have sub-questions...

How long did you two date? 
~What is the cut off? If you were together for 6 months is it ok to invite them? Is anything more than a year too long?

How serious was the relationship?
~If you said "I love you" is that too serious to invite? If you had sex? If you lived together? 

How did it end/Are you still friends?
~If you were able to salvage the friendship and you talk regularly, is that OK? If one person is still bitter about the break up but says they're happy for you, do you invite them anyway? If you have a lot of mutual friends would it be rude not to invite the ex? 

It's just a lot to think about. I know I have a lot of time to think about it personally, but still... I've had a lot of relationships. Some were more serious than others and some friendships were killed because we dated. Thinking about it I could come up with a list of people I've dated that I would definitely say "HELL NO" to them coming to my wedding. But at the same time, I could think of a few exes I would like to be there because we still get along. (or they're dating my best friend...)

I know this does not really have a lot of deep thought or insight but it's just something that's been on my mind since that episode.

"It's 4AM and I'm alone..."

Well, in reality it's somewhere around 12am but you'll quickly learn that I do most of my thinking while listening to music. My titles will often be song lyrics from whatever song I'm listening to.

It's been a while since I've blogged. In fact, since I decided to start again, I was reading my previous blogs on MySpace. It's amazing what a difference a few years could make on someone's life. The last blog I wrote was in November of 2008 and it was very short. It said, "can someone have a future with someone else if their past is still present? that's a very good question. time to make like Toyota and 'keep moving forward'." I skimmed back all the way to late September of 2007 and let me tell you... it was colorful. But that was then. It's time to focus on the now, and the future.

So, I guess I should start with a little about myself then. I'm a 20 year old who is probably too busy for her own good. I'm involved in a lot of activities and even though I don't always get a proper amount of sleep, I wouldn't change that for anything. Currently, I work at DOTS (a woman's clothing store), I go to church every Sunday at Life Bridge in Lockport, I am on the planning committee of the Our Mother of Good Council Anniversary Festival in Homer Glen, I go dancing as often as possible (Swing, Blues, and recently Salsa), I'm currently enrolled in Bartending School, and most importantly I'm co-facilitator of a youth outreach in Lockport called YASO. I know a lot of people say you're not what you do but I'm not sure I agree with that. I think what you do says a lot about who you are. I live with my dad for now. We're really close even though we don't always agree on stuff. I see my mom once in a while. We're not really close but I'd like us to be. I have an older sister who I've always looked up to. She has two boys who I don't see as much as I'd like to. I have an older brother (kinda). He's not blood related but he's been around for most of my life. He has three kids who think of me as their Aunt and I'm cool with that. I have more friends who are guys than I do girls but the few girlfriends I have are the best anyone could ask for. And I have a wonderful boyfriend who would do anything to make me smile.

I have a lot of things on my mind right now and that actually prompted me to start this blog but I know if I start putting it all in here now it's going to sound like a crazy unorganized rant. I don't know what this blog is going to look like but I know that I want it to mean something. After a while my MySpace blog became a detailed update on my weekend and different categorized subjects with mini-paragraph descriptions of each aspect in my life. I don't want that here. I want this to be a place to write about my goals and dreams, questions and doubts, fears and concerns. Anything that's bothering me or anything that makes me really happy is going to be in here. It's not always going to be grammatically correct or spelled properly and if anyone decides to read this, you're just going to have to accept that.

Well that's my little introduction. You'll learn more about me as we go but that's a good start.