Tuesday, June 8, 2010

"I try to find a better life, somewhere far away from here..."

Gossip. I know I shouldn't let it bother me, and normally I don't. Normally I revel in it. I don't mind people spreading rumors or talking shit or even blaming me for things I didn't do. So why is it that my feelings are actually hurt by this. Why this time? Is it the source? I mean, the people who usually start shit are people I don't particularly care for. But, is it because it's someone I believe to be a friend and I truely care for, that it hurts more?

People have made fun, talked shit, spread rumors, and back stabbed me for as long as I can remember. Anyone from my peers, to judgmental adults, to friends. So why am I surprised? I've had enough experience with it that I can get a feeling about people. If I get a feeling that a particular person is going to stab me in the back down the line I typically avoid that person. But in this situation I tried to do that, and I felt bad about it. I felt like I was the one being the child and that I should have more faith in people. I felt guilty so I let it go. I ignored it. And what happened? That's right- I got hurt. This person started talking about me behind my back and because I pretended everything was fine and I let my guard down, it took me by surprise. If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and sounds like a duck... it's not a chicken.

Now, this is just me venting. I have such a bad memory I will probably forget this ever happened in about a week.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

"Sometimes beginnings aren't so simple..."

Have you ever thought, 'What have I gotten myself into?' or 'What if I can't do this?.' Recently I was described as "overwhelmed." Granted, this was in relation to one specific situation but it makes me wonder, is that what I'm feeling? I've never been discribed as overwhelmed. Overworked, yes but not overwhelmed. When I sign up for things I usually know what I'm getting myself into and if it's something that is going to benefit myself or other people in the long run I usually stick with it. If I feel I'm wasting time I could be using to accomplish something more important, I quit. I don't see that as being overwhelmed, but reasonable. Sometimes when I have a lot on my plate and I'm doing a lot of things at once I often get a tightening in my chest and throat and feel like I'm on the verge of crying or hitting something. I don't know if that's overwhelmed or just stressed.


Not a lot of people know this but eventually I would like to start my own youth outreach like YASO- if not just a second YASO. This is something I would be honored to be able to do but it also scares the hell outta me. Sometimes I look around at the beauty that is YASO and I wonder how I could even dream of attempting to recreate something so raw and passionate. I wouldn't even know where to start. I know what I create would become something slightly different, but it doesn't matter. I know most of these kids pretty well and I even call the majority of them my friends... but speaking to them in the group, as an authoritative figure- or even just making announcements, feels wrong. My throat tightens and I get really nervous. I can't make eye contact and I can't stop rambling. I don't know why. I've always been good with Public Speaking. They make me nervous and cautious. They trust me with their hearts and I feel the weight of that. I feel like with the slightest misstep I could break one of them. Common sense tells me that they have collectively experienced so much in their lives that they could probably handle a mistake or two on my end, but I don't know if that's a chance I'm willing to take so I'm extra careful about everything. It scares me to have all of this trust, love, and compassion wrapped in such a small room every other Saturday night. YASO is such a blessing in my life and I wish to share that blessing with other people but then the selfish side of me wants to keep them all for myself.

I know deep down I want to start my own YASO but it also scares me that I'm going to fail. I have seen Patrick shell out hundreds of dollars a month to keep YASO and LifeBridge going. I don't anticipate being successful enough to keep something like this open on my own. I'm afraid that due to the lack of funds I will focus more on the monetary issues than those of the the hearts involved. I have seen the downfall of that kind of mindset but that doesn't mean I wont make the same mistakes. Technically, I was trained in that mindset. When I worked at coffeehouse that's all it seemed anyone cared about and for a little while, I was included in that. But when I started to become acquainted with the newer "coffeehouse kids" and learn their names and got to know them, I started to care for them. And then YASO started and I got to know their hearts, fears, and joys. Unfortunately that doesn't mean that once in the seat of highest responsibility I wont revert back to the comfortable position of worrying about money and avoiding the worries of YASO.

Maybe it's too early to tell... but it's not too early to be scared about it.