Thursday, March 24, 2011

"You can turn off the sun, but I'm still gonna shine."

WARNING! THIS IS ONE OF MY COMPLETELY USELESS BABBLING ENTRIES. (You REALLY don't have to read it)

So, time seems to be going by really quickly lately. Maybe cause I'm busy. All I know, is I looked at a calendar the other day and realized it was almost April. That's really weird to me.

For one, it feels like David and I just had our 1 year anniversary, but it's already almost a year and a half. And I have already lived in Chicago for about 7 months. It's just strange.

 Speaking of time... I'm going to be 22 in 3 months. I don't know what to do for my birthday. If I stick with the pattern, I should do something outrageous.

16-Birthday Party
17- Tattoo/Family Reunion
18- Birthday/Graduation Party
19- ?? <--I don't remember what I did for my 19th birthday.
20- Skydiving/Dinner and Movie w/Friends
21- Vegas

So, I feel I should be doing something crazy for my 22nd Birthday. I know it's not a big deal, after 21 the next big one is 30... but why? If I want to have a party or do something insane to celebrate, why not?

Because I can't think of anything to do.

Monday, March 7, 2011

"Take my hand lets go somewhere we can rest our souls."

So, I'm really tired right not so I'll probably expound upon this later, but this is on my mind and I just need to get it out there for now.

When I was in Texas I heard a lot of people talking about being "called" to do something. or feeling "lead". I don't really know what that means. At the minute I don't know what I believe in when it comes to God and such. If God does exist than that's cool. Maybe I'll meet him some day. I just try to be a good person and if it pays off later, great, if not, well, I know I did what was right and that's all that matters.

But this is where I'm facing some issues. Have you ever felt like all these signs are pointing in a particular direction and you're not entirely sure why they would go that way, you don't really know what is that way, and as much as you want to find out and go on this adventure down that road, you're kinda scared of leaving the comfortable place you're in now and getting lost there? That's kinda where I'm at now. I'm not going to use the phrase, 'i feel lead.' but I do feel like this option is sitting there. Like this new road was just built. And I kinda want to go explore. There are quite a few reasons I can think to not take the leap. But there are a few reasons I can think to try it too.

I'm not giving anything away as of yet. Not until I'm closer to making a decision. In actuality it's not even a decision I feel I need to make now anyway. It's just something on my mind, and I don't want anyone else swaying that thought process in any particular direction.

So yeah. that's all I've got. and 5 blogs is enough for 8 hours.

"Falling in love is the easy part. Staying in love, takes a stronger heart."

Thursday, February 24- Saturday, February 26th, I went to Dallas, Texas with Patrick (my partner in YASO) for evoyouth. It was a blast. We got to Dallas and went straight to the gathering.

{WARNING: I HAVE BAD MEMORY AND MOST OF THE FOLLOWING COME FROM MY NOTES AND NOT DIRECT QUOTES SO IT'S MOSTLY MY IMPRESSION OF WHAT WAS BEING SAID RATHER THAN WHAT WAS ACTUALLY BEING SAID}

We sang some 'worship music' and a man named Dan Haugh spoke Thursday evening. He talked about how you can't be Superman. He talked about how you can't be in ministry, especially working with youth, and be two different people. You need to open up to expect the youth to open up. I did get a couple of the quotes he used:

"All the persons of faith I know are sinners, doubters, and uneven performers. 
We are secure not because we are sure of ourselves but because we trust that God is sure of us."
-Eugene Peterson

"Those who think they are finished, are finished. Those who think they have arrived, have lost their way. Those who think they have reached ther goals, they have missed it. Those who think they are saints, are demons."
-Henry Nauer

I really liked those. I also had something written on the side of my page of notes from that day. Not sure what triggered it but it was just a passing thought that I wrote down:

"To sleep, perhaps to dream. But why only dream in your sleep? Isn't it better to dream awake; to remember, reflect, and grow?"

Anyway... enough of that. After Dan was done speaking we all went out for "TexMex" and had more in depth conversations. I'll be honest, there were a few points in that night where I felt really awkward. We were all sitting at a long table and on my side of the table I was surrounded by pastors. I wasn't entirely sure what they were talking about half the time and then I did recognize some of the conversation, I still didn't feel I had anything to contribute. Especially with me still not entirely sure where I stand on this religion thing. (just realized I was supposed to blog about all that and never did). But then we all split up, Pat and I went back to the hotel and had some serious conversations. It was good. We used to talk and hang out a lot before Life Bridge and YASO got started and the last two years, anytime we get together it's a meeting or something. It was nice to sit and just talk and bullshit like we used to. 

Friday we all had breakfast together at the church. Neil was awesome enough to pick up a bunch of breakfast things (including the cinnamon rolls I requested the night before) and someone brought a box of coffee from Starbucks. Then Holly Rankin Zaher spoke. She talked about failure. We played a game where we all got in two circles (one on the outside, one on the inside) facing each other and took turns telling a story about a particular time in our lives we felt like a failure. Then we switched partners and told this story from different perspectives each time. We told it from first hand perspective, the perspective of a journalist, someone with rose colored glasses, and reflective optimism. [i'm not sure that last one is accurate but that's how it turned out when i did it]. It's not the story, it's the perception of the story. If you step outside your story, where are you? Real people fail, and succeed. You are not your failures or successes. 

"When everybody's super-no one is."
-The Incredibles

"Ever tried.
Ever failed.
No matter.
Try again.
Fail again.
Fail better."
-Samuel Beckett

What would you attempt to do if you knew you could no fail??

After Holly spoke we all went out for lunch at Whole Foods. That was an experience in itself. I never knew you could eat at a grocery store like that. Although I was very disappointed in the fact that they do not have caffiene in any of the sodas/pop. I did get to feed a potato to a one-legged bird though so that was cool. 

We went back to the church after lunch and Phil Shepherd spoke about taking time for yourself to Rest, Dream, and Create. I'm just going to include my notes from this part. They're pretty self explanitory. 
"Cultivate dreams without rejecting reality. Define yourself by light, rather than darkness. I want the best for them, why don't I want the best for me? Love what you see in the mirror. Love yourself before you can love others." Everyone was talking about how they don't really take time for themselves. When they read they read theology books. When they do something they're always working some how. I feel like I don't work enough. The only books I read are for myself. I go dancing, I go to concerts, I go to game and LARP, I go to Karaoke, and I feel like I don't do enough for others. I don't work enough where everyone else there works too much.

After Phil spoke, Neil got on stage. Neil Christopher is my new friend I mentioned earlier. He was the mastermind behind evoyouth. He is a pastor in Ft Worth, Texas and has a youth group and was tired of being alone. So he got a bunch of other pastors (and me and a couple other non-pastors) together to find a way to not be lonely anymore. Neil told his story. It's not mine to share so I'm not going to be posting what he shared. I will tell you, he made me cry a little. I am very proud to call Neil my new friend. Everyone else at evoyouth was very welcoming and very kind. I don't know what it is about him but Neil has this spark to him that I can relate to, even though I can't quite pinpoint what it is. My favorite part about Neil's 'speech' was this indirect quote, 
"At least in a loony bin, you may be crazy- but you're not alone."

Friday night a few of us went to Phil's house. We sat around and talked about everything from squirrels, to Glee, to Twilight, to Christopher Moore. Then Pat, Paul, Neil and myself went to a local bar called the Chatroom. It was a blast! When you first walk in, it's a little intimidating, and a little confusing. It's like, no one could figure out what kind of bar it was, so everybody went. There are bikers, hipsters, old people, young people, gay people, mexicans, and dogs. yes, there were two dogs running around the bar. The music on the jukebox was so random it was comical. There was a man selling tacos for $3 (BEST TACOS EVER!) and a girl who knew Neil brought a bunch of cupcakes to our table. Actually, I think just about everyone in that hole-in-the-wall, dive bar, knew Neil. And it was fantastic. I met some amazing people at the bar that night. I think I talked more to the people in the bar than I did at the actual convention. It was so surprising how welcoming and friendly everyone was. It's gotta be a Texas thing. 

The next day, Pat and I flew back to Chicago. 

That was my trip. It was interesting, fun, eventful, inspiring, and fufilling.

"Maybe you're the reason why I'm losing all my decency."

YASO has been doing some pretty awesome things lately. Last Saturday we had our event, Welcome to the Real World. Now, I'm really thrilled about how it went and really pissed at the same time. I am so proud of every single person in YASO. The day started around 2pm when people came to set up. We set up drinks, appetizers, and art in the ministry center. Amy used her amazing eye for photography and had a little over 100 photographs on the walls. I had about 25 photoshopped images. Maddie had some very moving drawings. Krystal had an interesting take on some Disney Princesses. Sam had a very detailed sketch. Shannon had colored drawings that were both moving and adorable. The art was phenominal. We had a few strangers come in to the open house between 3 and 6. Then we all ate and pitched in to set up chairs, the stage, and projector.


We started the 'demonstration' with a slideshow of YASO set to the song "Fucking Perfect" by Pink. It was wonderful, if I do say so myself. =P And then I introduced our speakers. We had about 12 people get up and speak. They shared their stories. They poured out their hearts. It was moving, and emotional, and inspirational. Some stories made me shed a tear or two, some made me bawl like a baby. But the point is, I cried for about 2 hours. I was so broken and weak for all of them that all I could do after it was all over, was get up and go hug them. Even hugging some of them made me start crying all over again.

There were two parents there. One of the children spoke. It was so heartbreaking. The girl who's story it was, couldn't read it. Hell, her friend that was reading it for her, could barely get through it. Her mother left the room because she couldn't handle hearing it. I almost went with her.

I am so proud of everyone on Saturday.

Here's why I'm pissed. 666 people were invited on Facebook. I personally invited 30+ in e-mails and phone calls. I invited a handful of people in person. 10 YASO people changed their facebook images to the invitation. More than that kept posting links to the invite on their page. Patrick invited even more than that. Pat went on the radio and advertised. He wrote an article that got published on the Tribune's website.
People are always saying they want to see change. Something needs to be done about all the hurting in the world. People will "like" a group that is doing something to fix things. Or will "like" a status about standing up for the marginalized. But when it comes to DOING something... people suck. I am SO SICK of people saying, "someone should do something..." YOU DO IT! Seriously. If you see a piece of garbage sitting on the ground do you say "someone should really pick that up" and keep walking complaining about people littering? That's stupid. Pick it up, and throw it away. If you see someone struggling and hurting, someone suffering and starving, do you think, 'someone should help them.'? Stop. Do something for someone else with no strings attached. Don't help someone if they'll go to your church. Don't pick up that piece of garbage because someone else is looking and you want them to give you a pat on the back. Don't "like" someone's status about making a difference if you're not willing to get your hands dirty to HELP make a difference.

"Be the change you wish to see in the world."

"If you just want to go out drinking honey, wont you invite me along please."

Bowl List! (original 3-7-11) (updated 8-29-13)

Well, I'm calling this a bowl list because it's more shallow than a bucket list. This is a list of things that I want to do/try/learn before the end of the year.

My list so far:

[ ] Learn to play guitar
[X] Shoot a gun
[X] Go to the top of the Sears Tower
[ ] Go to a dance exchange
[X] Travel a lot! {Dallas, Texas- Feb 24-26)
[X] Go to a hockey game
[X] Go to a (major league) baseball game
[X] Go to a doctor ((i haven't had insurance in 3-4 years...))
[X] Get colored contacts
[X] Take the full sessions of the Pole Dancing Fitness Class
[ ] Take a yoga class
[ ] Learn Sign Language
[X] Learn how to cook something new
[X] Get a new/another job
[ ] Obtain a map of each "L" line in the CTA system {Full map and "Blue" obtained}
[ ] Get another tattoo
[X] Play laser tag
[ ] Go paintballing
[ ] Go snowboarding
[ ] Learn a new type of dance {Salsa is being studied at the moment
[X] Go to RenFaire
[X] Learn to french braid
[ ] Perform on stage again (not karaoke)

"You're not so far away, you're sitting in the space between the night and day."

Well, yet again, it's been a while. My computer was messed up and I couldn't get online. But here I am, thanks to my sister. :)

Here's a quick update and I'll try not to rant.

I am now a barista at Barnes and Noble Cafe, DePaul Loop Campus downtown. I've been there for about 3 months. I'm also looking for a second job as a server somewhere because I miss it, and I need more money than what I'm currently making.

I still miss my friends in the suburbs but I'm making some pretty cool friends out here and I think some of my dancing friends and I are becoming a little closer, which is awesome.

My best friend of 9 years decided a couple months ago that she doesn't want to be friends anymore. Her fiance and his family hate me and she didn't want to be caught in the middle anymore. I didn't even know she felt in the middle until it was too late. I'm still upset about it but I'm coming to terms with the fact that she needs to figure some stuff out on her own. The fact that this guy is kind of a jerk and I hope she realizes it before he gets her to push any more friends away. All I know is we're not friends right now, but I know if she ever needs me I'll be there.

YASO has been doing some amazing things lately and we're making a lot of new friends. I'm gonna have a seperate blog about all of those exciting things.

I also started something I'm calling my "bowl list." It's like a bucket list but it's more shallow and has an experation date. It's a list of things that I want to do before the end of the year. And I'm already getting a bit of a dent in them. I'm probably going to have a seperate blog for that too.

I went on a trip to Texas last weekend for evoyouth and that was awesome! I met some great people and made a new friend. (Technically I made a few Facebook friends, but only one that I have been talking to regularly). And yeah, you guessed it... seperate blog for that.

I have a lot of blogging to catch up on. So I guess I'll be off.