A friend of mine posted something today about her 6 year old daughter being concerned about looking beautiful- clothing, hair, etc. She asks why it starts so young and mentioned wanting to talk to her about Personality Beauty vs Appearance Beauty.
To an extent, I agree with my friend and to an point, I don't. Let me explain. I don't wear make up very often. Maybe a couple days a week I'll wear eyeliner, and only on the bottom. Maybe a day or two I'll wear eye shadow or blush. If something fancy is going on, I'll throw on mascara and lipstick. It's not an everyday thing for me. But my daughter, who is almost 3, likes to watch me put makeup on. She says, "I like your makeup Mommy" or "You're so beautiful Mommy." And it warms my heart. But when she asks to wear makeup too, I say, "No honey. You're beautiful without makeup." Which implies, I'm not. That statement implies that I need makeup to be beautiful.
Well, on the inside, I think I'm a beautiful person. I try to be good and honest to others. I go out of my way for other people. But on a physical level, I don't feel as beautiful as I used to. My eyes used to be my favorite thing about myself. Now, I have dark circles under my eyes that weren't there before. My breasts are smaller than they were before I got pregnant. My stomach is a little bigger than it used to be. None of these things truly effect who I am on the inside. However, they all affect how I feel about myself. So, when I tell my daughter she doesn't need makeup because she's already beautiful, and I imply that I do because I'm not, and I believe it. When I wear makeup or nicer clothes, I am essentially playing dress-up. I have always seen it as dress-up. Just playing. Not necessarily who I am, but still a part of me.
Now, my friend's daughter admitted that she is wanting to look beautiful to make friends. That makes me sad. Partially, because I remember doing the exact same thing, and partially because that's a totally normal thing. Why? Why is it normal for girls, seemingly younger and younger, to feel like their physical attributes will determine who they're friends with. Well, I'm sure there is a lot of psychology and sociology behind it and someone in that field can probably tell you the sciency part of it.
I can say that in my experience, superficial friendships create superficial relationships. And I stand by that in every way, shape, and form of relationships. My closest and truest friends are the ones who have seen me at my worst and are still there. They are the ones who don't care what I wear, how I do my hair, what kind of shoes I wear, and whether or not I put makeup on that day. They know that WHO I am doesn't not always reflect WHAT I look like.
With my little girl only being 3, I don't think she's ready to full understand this whole thing yet, but to friend's daughter I say this.
Be You. Dress how YOU want to dress. Wear what YOU want to wear. Be yourself and as long as you're a good person, good people will want to be your friend. If you want to wear dresses and curl your hair, do it because YOU like wearing dresses. Don't try to change your outside to appease other people. If you do, it will change who you are on the inside too.
I don't believe this lesson is limited to little girls either. Women, little boys, and men can all benefit from understanding that as long as you are a good person at the heart, what's on the outside doesn't really matter. Be yourself, love yourself, and surround yourself with good people, and everything else will feel less important.
That is all easier said than done. I know I'm still working on that. And it's definitely a process. It helps that I have people in my life who support me and tell me I'm beautiful, even when I don't feel it. They encourage me to be a better person. And they love me when I have a hard time loving myself. Be that person for someone else, and someone will be that for you.
