As a new mother I am constantly comparing myself to other mothers. I'm learning that this is a very toxic thing. Last week I had a very rough morning with my daughter. She wouldn't eat. She kept throwing stuff on the floor. She would cry when I tried to feed her. If I left the room to get something to distract her, she would scream. I broke down. I got mad. I cried. I felt empty. I brought her to her babysitter's house before I left for work. This mother stays at home with three kids from 1yr-4yrs. They were all playing outside. My daughter got a big smile on her face. Sat well for her while she taught the oldest how to hit a ball off of a tee. I got jealous. Jealous and sad. I left and broke down again. The rest of the day I felt like I sucked. I felt guilty for working. I felt guilty for the laundry piled up, the dishes in the sink, the empty fridge, and for not being home to teach my daughter things. Mostly, I was/am scared that the first time my daughter says, "mama" it's going to be to someone else.
I talked to a few people this day about what was bothering me. Most of the responses I was getting were not what I was looking for. "You're a great mom. That's not going to happen. Don't worry about it." Thank you but that's not quite what I was hoping for. Two women in my life were the most helpful. One is a stay at home mom, the other is a teacher and is gone most of the day.
The stay at home mom told me how she used to watch her niece, and her niece called her "mama" for a while. She also told me how it took a while for her son to take his dad because she was home with him all day. But that stuff is temporary. Her niece is very close to her mother now and her son always wants to be around his dad. "Kids go through phases" she said. Her last bit of advise was, "It's a hard choice to make and I think every mother
has at least a little guilt about it. Value the time you have with her;
even if it's just watching her sleep."
The working mom related a little more and helped me see that by working I am saving us both. She worked through both of her kids growing up and they still formed great bonds. They don't get stressed out mom from them driving her crazy all day, and the time they get to spend together is extra special. Some stay at home moms lose their sanity and their identity. This is not true for all, but those who are all about their children 24/7 can lose what makes them who they are. Not to mention the lack of other adult interaction for 8-12 hours a day. This friend also helped me understand that it's good for her to make attachments to other people because it helps when we do need a babysitter. And the best part, "she will always know who mommy is and mommy comfort will always be the best!"
There is a difference between comparing ourselves to other people, and finding camaraderie and support within each other.
There are some women who are cut out for the stay at home thing. And that is wonderful. I don't know if I'll ever be that person who can stay home, make three meals a day, get all the cleaning done, do the laundry, take the kids to the zoo and museum, grow a garden, make jam, and anything else that all of these super moms I know can do.
But I can love my daughter. I can make enough money to pay for the safe car that takes her to the babysitter, where she can play with other kids. I can take her to the museum or zoo on the weekend. I can give her the same store bought jam I had when I was a kid. I may not have clean socks but she will always have clean clothes, even if they aren't hung up. I will introduce her to a love for books and movies. Her dad will teach her a love for technology and nature. We will always be her parents.
I need to make a conscious effort not to compare myself to other mothers. It's not easy, but I'm trying.
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