"All together, walk alone against all we've ever known. All we've ever really wanted was a place to call our home."

Last night was YASO. Patrick was out of town and it was up to me to run the meeting. Well, the topic was originally brought up by Matt so we talked about it and decided he would run the discussion and I would just be the buffer, in charge, and keep the order. The topic for the evening was Conflict Resolution.

There were 24 YASO people (this is including Matt and I) and 2 people in our "over 30 crowd". I started things off pretty much letting people know what the topic was going to be, and then passed it over to Matt. Our original plan was to talk about problems with respect in the circle. We've had some issues with people texting or passing notes while people are pouring out their hearts, people getting up to go smoke and staying out there for 25 minutes or more, etc. Well the topic quickly shifted to trust being broken in the circle. A bunch of people expressed not being able to trust other people in the room and that is keeping them from speaking out. There was talk of YASO not being the Family it used to be, and there being cliques now that weren't there before. There were also hurts in the field of being let down by plans and goals. When YASO first started almost two years ago we had plans to start a safe-house. There are other things we had talked about doing that never happened. This responsibility falls on a lot of people shoulders. It was mentioned how we have smaller groups of people who signed up for different tasks; Marketing, Fun times, Fund-raising; etc... and these people haven't been holding up to their responsibilities. These are all things that were brought up by multiple people. The topic also periodically shifted to having personal issues with other people and not wanting to confront them in the circle, or out of the circle because it never solves anything. There were two regulars who expressed strong feelings of frustration. They didn't see the point in the discussion or feel they should be there anymore so they left. I admire them for that. They had a problem with the topic, expressed that, and did what they thought they had to do. Granted there was some language used that hurt some people's feelings. There were a few people who were hurt by how they expressed themselves but it happens.

When this topic was decided on I knew people would get mad and I expected people to leave. I'm glad it happened (kinda). YASO is about speaking out and that's exactly what they did. After they left (and three of their friends went with them) we had a lot of empty seats. Neeka, one of the adult volunteers, suggested we move in. So we did. We all took our chairs and made our circle tighter. Every single person in the room had something to say. We became that Family again. We talked for a long time. The topic never went back to respect in the circle, texting, and passing notes; it didn't have to. We talked about how it's likely that most people have a problem with someone else and for us to be a Family and for YASO to work we need to confront those issues, and then be adults and put them aside. We ended up talking longer than we usually do and then Matt asked, "do you want to stop the conversation here and take the rest of the time to do whatever, or take a 5 minute break and then keep talking?" Ever single person said they wanted to keep talking. The break was about 10 minutes or so because so many wonderful things were happening. There were people going into the backroom, stepping outside, going to a corner, and confronting each other. Problems were solved and so many relationships repaired or at least on the mend. It was amazing.

We all got back into the circle and then we asked ourselves, what do we do if those who left came back? Would we they be welcome, would anyone look at them differently, should they apologize? And there were honest hearts. Every single person said, 'of course they're welcome.' Most said they wouldn't look at them any differently, some said they might...not because of what they said but how they said it. A couple felt they should apologize to anyone who may have had their feelings hurt by what was said. Most said no apology necessary. Either way, they're welcome. YASO is about speaking out but it's also about real Family. The one that expresses unconditional love. (They came to Life Bridge today and I was so thrilled to see them. It took a lot for them to show up and I'm very very glad they did.)

I also put my heart on the line last night. During the break I talked to a couple of people about how I have been feeling lately in YASO. Patrick and I have discussed this and he's doing what he can to work on getting things better but someone had said earlier, you can't expect a change if you don't tell people things need to change. I have been feeling a little down in YASO lately. I felt like people saw me, not as Patrick's equal, but as his assistant or something. Also, people used to come to me with problems or just to talk or hang out and that has changed. I brought that up and I laid my heart on the floor and hoped no one would step on it and they didn't. No one really said anything, and that was fine. I didn't need people to say anything or stand on their chair and yell, "O Captain my Captain." I just needed to get it out, and for them to hear me, and listen to my heart.

I love YASO so much more (if that's even possible) after last night. The drama, the debating, and the laughter (because there were some moments that were just damn funny) brought us all so much closer. Matt and I were both freaking out a little when things started to go down hill. We both thought we had failed and ya know, Patrick leaves town once and all hell breaks loose, but it all worked itself out. And I don't know how many more times I can say, I am SO SO proud of everyone in YASO-whether or not they were there last night.

"Listen to the rain, whispering secrets in vain. Frantically searching for someone to hear their story before they hit the ground."

So, I'm sitting on my couch, where I have been just about all day. It sucks. I feel like a bum. I can't find a job. I'm still trying but I'd kinda rather curl into a ball.

But the point of this blog isn't about all that. I have been thinking and as much as I enjoy living out on my own I've been having some issues. Part of it has to do with losing my job. I hate asking for help and my mom bought me groceries and my dad paid part of my rent for next month.

But even getting passed all that, one of the biggest things that have been making me sad lately is that at the house with my dad the window in my room faced the moon. I used to lay on my bed and look out the window before I went to sleep. I could look at the moon or open my blinds and watch the snow fall, or the rain. I miss the rain. I live on the first floor which means no roof. I have two floors of people above me and I can't hear the rain falling on the roof anymore. It just makes me sad. It's amazing how it's the little things you miss.

So my message to you, whoever may be reading this, is to enjoy the little things. Revel in them. Listen to the rain fall, watch the snow resting on the leaves and the ice sickles melting. Literally stop and smell the flowers. For one it's nice to know you're taking a second to think about something other than where you're going, what's next on your to-do list, what you're having for dinner, etc. Also, the looks on people's places when you actually smell the flowers are pretty funny. And say goodnight to the moon. I know it sounds crazy but trust me; once you get used to saying goodnight to the moon, or listening to the rain, and you're no longer able to do either of those things- you miss them.