"All together, walk alone against all we've ever known. All we've ever really wanted was a place to call our home."

Last night was YASO. Patrick was out of town and it was up to me to run the meeting. Well, the topic was originally brought up by Matt so we talked about it and decided he would run the discussion and I would just be the buffer, in charge, and keep the order. The topic for the evening was Conflict Resolution.

There were 24 YASO people (this is including Matt and I) and 2 people in our "over 30 crowd". I started things off pretty much letting people know what the topic was going to be, and then passed it over to Matt. Our original plan was to talk about problems with respect in the circle. We've had some issues with people texting or passing notes while people are pouring out their hearts, people getting up to go smoke and staying out there for 25 minutes or more, etc. Well the topic quickly shifted to trust being broken in the circle. A bunch of people expressed not being able to trust other people in the room and that is keeping them from speaking out. There was talk of YASO not being the Family it used to be, and there being cliques now that weren't there before. There were also hurts in the field of being let down by plans and goals. When YASO first started almost two years ago we had plans to start a safe-house. There are other things we had talked about doing that never happened. This responsibility falls on a lot of people shoulders. It was mentioned how we have smaller groups of people who signed up for different tasks; Marketing, Fun times, Fund-raising; etc... and these people haven't been holding up to their responsibilities. These are all things that were brought up by multiple people. The topic also periodically shifted to having personal issues with other people and not wanting to confront them in the circle, or out of the circle because it never solves anything. There were two regulars who expressed strong feelings of frustration. They didn't see the point in the discussion or feel they should be there anymore so they left. I admire them for that. They had a problem with the topic, expressed that, and did what they thought they had to do. Granted there was some language used that hurt some people's feelings. There were a few people who were hurt by how they expressed themselves but it happens.

When this topic was decided on I knew people would get mad and I expected people to leave. I'm glad it happened (kinda). YASO is about speaking out and that's exactly what they did. After they left (and three of their friends went with them) we had a lot of empty seats. Neeka, one of the adult volunteers, suggested we move in. So we did. We all took our chairs and made our circle tighter. Every single person in the room had something to say. We became that Family again. We talked for a long time. The topic never went back to respect in the circle, texting, and passing notes; it didn't have to. We talked about how it's likely that most people have a problem with someone else and for us to be a Family and for YASO to work we need to confront those issues, and then be adults and put them aside. We ended up talking longer than we usually do and then Matt asked, "do you want to stop the conversation here and take the rest of the time to do whatever, or take a 5 minute break and then keep talking?" Ever single person said they wanted to keep talking. The break was about 10 minutes or so because so many wonderful things were happening. There were people going into the backroom, stepping outside, going to a corner, and confronting each other. Problems were solved and so many relationships repaired or at least on the mend. It was amazing.

We all got back into the circle and then we asked ourselves, what do we do if those who left came back? Would we they be welcome, would anyone look at them differently, should they apologize? And there were honest hearts. Every single person said, 'of course they're welcome.' Most said they wouldn't look at them any differently, some said they might...not because of what they said but how they said it. A couple felt they should apologize to anyone who may have had their feelings hurt by what was said. Most said no apology necessary. Either way, they're welcome. YASO is about speaking out but it's also about real Family. The one that expresses unconditional love. (They came to Life Bridge today and I was so thrilled to see them. It took a lot for them to show up and I'm very very glad they did.)

I also put my heart on the line last night. During the break I talked to a couple of people about how I have been feeling lately in YASO. Patrick and I have discussed this and he's doing what he can to work on getting things better but someone had said earlier, you can't expect a change if you don't tell people things need to change. I have been feeling a little down in YASO lately. I felt like people saw me, not as Patrick's equal, but as his assistant or something. Also, people used to come to me with problems or just to talk or hang out and that has changed. I brought that up and I laid my heart on the floor and hoped no one would step on it and they didn't. No one really said anything, and that was fine. I didn't need people to say anything or stand on their chair and yell, "O Captain my Captain." I just needed to get it out, and for them to hear me, and listen to my heart.

I love YASO so much more (if that's even possible) after last night. The drama, the debating, and the laughter (because there were some moments that were just damn funny) brought us all so much closer. Matt and I were both freaking out a little when things started to go down hill. We both thought we had failed and ya know, Patrick leaves town once and all hell breaks loose, but it all worked itself out. And I don't know how many more times I can say, I am SO SO proud of everyone in YASO-whether or not they were there last night.

"Listen to the rain, whispering secrets in vain. Frantically searching for someone to hear their story before they hit the ground."

So, I'm sitting on my couch, where I have been just about all day. It sucks. I feel like a bum. I can't find a job. I'm still trying but I'd kinda rather curl into a ball.

But the point of this blog isn't about all that. I have been thinking and as much as I enjoy living out on my own I've been having some issues. Part of it has to do with losing my job. I hate asking for help and my mom bought me groceries and my dad paid part of my rent for next month.

But even getting passed all that, one of the biggest things that have been making me sad lately is that at the house with my dad the window in my room faced the moon. I used to lay on my bed and look out the window before I went to sleep. I could look at the moon or open my blinds and watch the snow fall, or the rain. I miss the rain. I live on the first floor which means no roof. I have two floors of people above me and I can't hear the rain falling on the roof anymore. It just makes me sad. It's amazing how it's the little things you miss.

So my message to you, whoever may be reading this, is to enjoy the little things. Revel in them. Listen to the rain fall, watch the snow resting on the leaves and the ice sickles melting. Literally stop and smell the flowers. For one it's nice to know you're taking a second to think about something other than where you're going, what's next on your to-do list, what you're having for dinner, etc. Also, the looks on people's places when you actually smell the flowers are pretty funny. And say goodnight to the moon. I know it sounds crazy but trust me; once you get used to saying goodnight to the moon, or listening to the rain, and you're no longer able to do either of those things- you miss them.

"I've got matchstick feet, come and dance with me. We'll set fire to the streets."

Way too long. It has been way too long since I've updated this thing. I tried once, but then my computer froze and I got too frustrated to re-type everything.

So life has been a rollercoaster since the last time I blogged. I know I said this wouldn't be a boring detailed thing about the goings on in my life so I'll just catch ya up on what's important and what may be necessary for future stories. Reader's digest catch-me-up quick version:

I went to Vegas, turned 21, and had a BLAST with my dad, David and Andrew.
Came home and had some belated birthday celebrations with friends to couldn't make it to Las Vegas. (Dancing at Esteban's, Karaoke at Carter's, and Drag Show at Maneuvers.)

I got a job in Chicago as a server at Midtown Kitchen + Bar and quit working at DOTS. (although I recently lost said job at Midtown and am as of this moment, unemployed) I moved to Chicago with my friend Puma and her cousin Tiff. (Our house-warming party was awesome- at least, what I remember of it)

When I moved to the city, dad moved in with his fiance' Jackie. I still see my dad most weekends or every other. I see my mom a lot more too. After I lost my job my mom came out and bought me groceries and my dad helped me with this month's rent. Then I've had breakfast with mom or dad a few weekends here and there.

I haven't been going to church as much lately cause it's hard to get back and forth to the suburbs without a car. On the same front I've been doubting my faith, beliefs, whatever you wanna call it. I just have a lot of questions and I haven't heard very many answers that make sense to me and for once I'd like something to make sense. But that's a blog for another time. Or at least a little later.

I have been at YASO every meeting though and I absolutely love it. YASO has been a big part of my life the past (almost) 2 years and I can't imagine my world without it. I'll be honest, sometimes I wonder if this is something I should have embarked on later in life. Thought about all of the concerts, and dancing events, and parties that I could be going to as a newly 21 year old. But then I think about how (at least in my opinion) what we do now effects who we become and what we do later. And I think about all of the people in YASO (although I'm not sure if some of them would even notice if I wasn't there) and I couldn't imagine not seeing them on a regular basis. I wish they felt more comfortable reaching out to me like they used to. But again, topic for a later blog.

My boyfriend, David, is very happy that I have started to get a little nerdy. I started playing a paper/pencil RPG (Role Playing Game) with him and some of our friends. It's called Vampire: Masquerade. My character is awesome even though she can't rip someone apart with one attack. Her name is Brighid Dhianna (after my favorite Centaur in a P.C. Cast series) and she's a Toreador. My friend Jason does LARP (Live Action Role Play) and I'm probably going to be joining him in January- just to check it out.

I've been job hunting a lot lately since losing the job at Midtown. For those who don't know, I missed a shift because my alarm was on my cell phone and my cell phone wasn't holding a charge, and it died in the middle of the night. I woke up and called to apologize and got fired right there. Anyway, I've applied about 30 places and have had 4 interviews in the last 3 weeks. One filled the position, One never called me back, One asked me back for a second interview but I wasn't very interested in the position after all, and One was today and I'm supposed to find out tomorrow.

I took a Jiu-Jitsu class tonight and it was pretty fun. I don't think I'll be going back because it's $135 per month but Puma, Kris and I have decided to find other free classes in the city and check 'em all out. I think Tai Kwon Do is coming up soon and I want to try Yoga and Kick Boxing.

I've still been dancing when I can but it gets expensive. $7 here, $10 here, $8 here... it adds up.

Thanksgiving was nice. Went to three different places, David's, YASO, and my mom's. Stayed at my mom's overnight (didn't sleep though) and went Black Friday shopping with Danita. I helped her spend money and we got more research done for our book, and I bought some craft supplies because guess what, Christmas is gonna be homemade this year (or if I have to buy you something, it's gonna be late).

Well, there's your update. Now you're all caught up, let the regular blogging begin-again.

"I try to find a better life, somewhere far away from here..."

Gossip. I know I shouldn't let it bother me, and normally I don't. Normally I revel in it. I don't mind people spreading rumors or talking shit or even blaming me for things I didn't do. So why is it that my feelings are actually hurt by this. Why this time? Is it the source? I mean, the people who usually start shit are people I don't particularly care for. But, is it because it's someone I believe to be a friend and I truely care for, that it hurts more?

People have made fun, talked shit, spread rumors, and back stabbed me for as long as I can remember. Anyone from my peers, to judgmental adults, to friends. So why am I surprised? I've had enough experience with it that I can get a feeling about people. If I get a feeling that a particular person is going to stab me in the back down the line I typically avoid that person. But in this situation I tried to do that, and I felt bad about it. I felt like I was the one being the child and that I should have more faith in people. I felt guilty so I let it go. I ignored it. And what happened? That's right- I got hurt. This person started talking about me behind my back and because I pretended everything was fine and I let my guard down, it took me by surprise. If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and sounds like a duck... it's not a chicken.

Now, this is just me venting. I have such a bad memory I will probably forget this ever happened in about a week.

"Sometimes beginnings aren't so simple..."

Have you ever thought, 'What have I gotten myself into?' or 'What if I can't do this?.' Recently I was described as "overwhelmed." Granted, this was in relation to one specific situation but it makes me wonder, is that what I'm feeling? I've never been discribed as overwhelmed. Overworked, yes but not overwhelmed. When I sign up for things I usually know what I'm getting myself into and if it's something that is going to benefit myself or other people in the long run I usually stick with it. If I feel I'm wasting time I could be using to accomplish something more important, I quit. I don't see that as being overwhelmed, but reasonable. Sometimes when I have a lot on my plate and I'm doing a lot of things at once I often get a tightening in my chest and throat and feel like I'm on the verge of crying or hitting something. I don't know if that's overwhelmed or just stressed.


Not a lot of people know this but eventually I would like to start my own youth outreach like YASO- if not just a second YASO. This is something I would be honored to be able to do but it also scares the hell outta me. Sometimes I look around at the beauty that is YASO and I wonder how I could even dream of attempting to recreate something so raw and passionate. I wouldn't even know where to start. I know what I create would become something slightly different, but it doesn't matter. I know most of these kids pretty well and I even call the majority of them my friends... but speaking to them in the group, as an authoritative figure- or even just making announcements, feels wrong. My throat tightens and I get really nervous. I can't make eye contact and I can't stop rambling. I don't know why. I've always been good with Public Speaking. They make me nervous and cautious. They trust me with their hearts and I feel the weight of that. I feel like with the slightest misstep I could break one of them. Common sense tells me that they have collectively experienced so much in their lives that they could probably handle a mistake or two on my end, but I don't know if that's a chance I'm willing to take so I'm extra careful about everything. It scares me to have all of this trust, love, and compassion wrapped in such a small room every other Saturday night. YASO is such a blessing in my life and I wish to share that blessing with other people but then the selfish side of me wants to keep them all for myself.

I know deep down I want to start my own YASO but it also scares me that I'm going to fail. I have seen Patrick shell out hundreds of dollars a month to keep YASO and LifeBridge going. I don't anticipate being successful enough to keep something like this open on my own. I'm afraid that due to the lack of funds I will focus more on the monetary issues than those of the the hearts involved. I have seen the downfall of that kind of mindset but that doesn't mean I wont make the same mistakes. Technically, I was trained in that mindset. When I worked at coffeehouse that's all it seemed anyone cared about and for a little while, I was included in that. But when I started to become acquainted with the newer "coffeehouse kids" and learn their names and got to know them, I started to care for them. And then YASO started and I got to know their hearts, fears, and joys. Unfortunately that doesn't mean that once in the seat of highest responsibility I wont revert back to the comfortable position of worrying about money and avoiding the worries of YASO.

Maybe it's too early to tell... but it's not too early to be scared about it.

"She looks like she could have been happy in another life..."

I'm sitting here a little bored so I figured I'd blog a bit.

There's been a lot going on in my life right now and I think it might be good to get it out. It may sound like a lot of whining but I assure you, that's exactly what it is. I just need to vent. I know other people have more serious problems in their lives and I'm not completely oblivious to that, but it's really hard to help other people fix their lives when I feel completely powerless to fix mine.

First of all, I need to get either a second crappy job, or a completely new better job. I'm going to school to be a bartender but no one will hire me until I'm 21. In the meantime I have applied to several restaurants and even Target and Wal*Mart. I also have been realizing and chastising myself for my shopping problem. I've joked about having a shopping problem but until last night I never realized to actual extent of it. I never opened my bank statements. My dad once told me to save them... So I throw the unopened envelopes into a file in my drawer. Well, I was cleaning and I decided it was time to organize them. I did the same thing with my pay stubs from DOTS. In 2009 I made roughly $7,000 at DOTS alone. I also did graphic work, and temp work. Currently I owe a good deal of money to a handful of people and have $2.18 in my checking account and $5.79 in my savings. I spend money on clothes, shoes, DVDs, going to movies, dancing, food, gas, other people, my car, and insurance. Some of those are neccessary... but I really need to reevaluate my spending habits. It's not even like I pay full price for clothes or DVDs. I either purchase second hand or with a discount. But it doesn't matter. Quanity over weighs the Quality. It doesn't matter how much I save if I shop often. So, I'm going to cut back considerably on my shopping. I'm also going to try and find a job that is not DOTS because I can not keep that discount. It's too taunting to shop whenever we get new shipment or markdowns (which are next week btw).

Another reason I need to start saving is because I am determined to get my own place by this fall. My dad and I aren't going to be in our house much longer. He's moving in with his fiance and her son and unless a large amount of money miraculously falls into my lap, I'm going to have to go with for a while. I really don't want to for a few reasons. A few of the superficial reasons are; the room is a little bigger than some walk-in closets I've seen, the closet may as well be non-existant, and even though the bathroom is attached to my room- I'll be sharing said bathroom with my soon-to-be-step-brother who will have to come through my room any time he needs to use the bathroom. I wont be able to have friends over because if more than one person is in that room at a time it can get clausterphobic. But more than all of that, I feel like if I move out on my own before we lose the house I feel like I may have some control over what is happening in my own life. Now, I know even thinking I have control of my life is a joke. "Wanna make God laugh? Tell him your plans." But it would be nice to feel like I'm actually moving forward with my life.

For now though, I've started packing and going through things. We really don't know if we'll be here another month or the rest of the summer but I'm just getting a jump start on things. I'm also thinking a yard sale is in order. Not sure how much I'll get for half this crap but whatever... every little bit helps.

I'm glad I got that out. It all still bothers me but it's still a little better.

"Every day seems like a lifetime..."

So, I was watching 'How I Met Your Mother' the other day and it aroused a terrific question, one actually related to my world as of recently... "Should an ex be invited to your wedding?"

My boyfriend, David, and I were watching the show and he asked me, "What do you think? Would you invite and ex to your wedding?" I thought about it and realized that there are a lot of factors and questions you need to ask first. For example, how long did you two date? How serious was the relationship? How did it end? Are you still friends and see each other or speak on a regular basis? How does your fiance get along with your ex? And each of those questions have sub-questions...

How long did you two date? 
~What is the cut off? If you were together for 6 months is it ok to invite them? Is anything more than a year too long?

How serious was the relationship?
~If you said "I love you" is that too serious to invite? If you had sex? If you lived together? 

How did it end/Are you still friends?
~If you were able to salvage the friendship and you talk regularly, is that OK? If one person is still bitter about the break up but says they're happy for you, do you invite them anyway? If you have a lot of mutual friends would it be rude not to invite the ex? 

It's just a lot to think about. I know I have a lot of time to think about it personally, but still... I've had a lot of relationships. Some were more serious than others and some friendships were killed because we dated. Thinking about it I could come up with a list of people I've dated that I would definitely say "HELL NO" to them coming to my wedding. But at the same time, I could think of a few exes I would like to be there because we still get along. (or they're dating my best friend...)

I know this does not really have a lot of deep thought or insight but it's just something that's been on my mind since that episode.

"It's 4AM and I'm alone..."

Well, in reality it's somewhere around 12am but you'll quickly learn that I do most of my thinking while listening to music. My titles will often be song lyrics from whatever song I'm listening to.

It's been a while since I've blogged. In fact, since I decided to start again, I was reading my previous blogs on MySpace. It's amazing what a difference a few years could make on someone's life. The last blog I wrote was in November of 2008 and it was very short. It said, "can someone have a future with someone else if their past is still present? that's a very good question. time to make like Toyota and 'keep moving forward'." I skimmed back all the way to late September of 2007 and let me tell you... it was colorful. But that was then. It's time to focus on the now, and the future.

So, I guess I should start with a little about myself then. I'm a 20 year old who is probably too busy for her own good. I'm involved in a lot of activities and even though I don't always get a proper amount of sleep, I wouldn't change that for anything. Currently, I work at DOTS (a woman's clothing store), I go to church every Sunday at Life Bridge in Lockport, I am on the planning committee of the Our Mother of Good Council Anniversary Festival in Homer Glen, I go dancing as often as possible (Swing, Blues, and recently Salsa), I'm currently enrolled in Bartending School, and most importantly I'm co-facilitator of a youth outreach in Lockport called YASO. I know a lot of people say you're not what you do but I'm not sure I agree with that. I think what you do says a lot about who you are. I live with my dad for now. We're really close even though we don't always agree on stuff. I see my mom once in a while. We're not really close but I'd like us to be. I have an older sister who I've always looked up to. She has two boys who I don't see as much as I'd like to. I have an older brother (kinda). He's not blood related but he's been around for most of my life. He has three kids who think of me as their Aunt and I'm cool with that. I have more friends who are guys than I do girls but the few girlfriends I have are the best anyone could ask for. And I have a wonderful boyfriend who would do anything to make me smile.

I have a lot of things on my mind right now and that actually prompted me to start this blog but I know if I start putting it all in here now it's going to sound like a crazy unorganized rant. I don't know what this blog is going to look like but I know that I want it to mean something. After a while my MySpace blog became a detailed update on my weekend and different categorized subjects with mini-paragraph descriptions of each aspect in my life. I don't want that here. I want this to be a place to write about my goals and dreams, questions and doubts, fears and concerns. Anything that's bothering me or anything that makes me really happy is going to be in here. It's not always going to be grammatically correct or spelled properly and if anyone decides to read this, you're just going to have to accept that.

Well that's my little introduction. You'll learn more about me as we go but that's a good start.