Emily's Complete Anti-Fatty Guide

I DID NOT write this. This is a COPY and PASTE job from my friend's "Note" on Facebook. But Pinterest doesn't let you Pin from Facebook so, with her permission, I'm putting it here so I can save it forever.

"Many people ask me about how I've managed to lose weight that I figure it would just be best to put it in a Note and refer people to it on an individual basis. This is not due to laziness. This is due to the fact that the answer is incredibly complicated and really insanely difficult to type out on my phone with several bags of groceries in my hand (or whatever the case may be).

First of all, you have to find a good enough reason to lose weight. You can't really do it for others. You have to associate it with your own personal gain. Maybe you're tired of your thighs rubbing together in the summer. Maybe you want to become a stripper and not break the stage. Either way, it has to be for you and there has to be an end goal. This is very important. You can't just have a nebulous "I just want to look good" idea of where you want to wind up. It's not focused enough. For me, I remember the moment I realized that I didn't only want to, I needed to lose weight. I was newly single and not really interested in any of the male prospects available to me. I realized that if I wanted to get a certain... caliber of man, I needed to step my game up. You should only really date one point up or down from where you land on the 1-10 attractiveness rank and if I want a 10, I can't be a 5. It just doesn't work that way. I had an end goal. I really wanted to have sex with someone who didn't physically disgust me. So from there it started and I could not be stopped.

Once you have come up with your tangible reason to put down the fork, you need to completely change your entire lifestyle. Forever. I'm not kidding. I'm not going to lie to you. It's going to be super difficult. You're going to walk by cake in Jewel forever and secretly want to give up, but this urge will dwindle painfully slowly as time goes on. You're going to have to realize that these foods that you love, that comfort you, that fill you with insurmountable joy are actually what make you jiggly. They're like a partner that throws you down the stairs and then brings you flowers, crying about how they're sorry and they love you. The flowers are nice. The bruises are not. Stretch marks are not pretty no matter what way you want to fucking spin it (unless you've had a baby in which case you're a beautiful tiger. Werk dem stripes. You've got beauty beauty.).

Once you've accepted that you are going to feel unending sadness whenever you gaze upon cake/Doritos/pizza/french fries/etc. you can now begin the process of learning how to replace those tasty awful foods with better things. This is actually not that hard. I have a few key principles:

1. Less brown/yellow foods. More green/colorful foods.
2. Do not get into juicing. Juice diets are extremely bad for you. You need the fiber in fruits and vegetables which will get discarded after extracting the juice. What you don't need is 15 oranges worth of sugar.
3. When going grocery shopping, pay more attention to the outer aisles of the grocery store (meat, cheese, eggs, dairy, vegetables and fruit) and avoid aisles (bread, cereal, frozen things, canned things, soda).
4. Be strict with yourself but not too strict. However, do not allow yourself "cheat days". This is a slippery slope of a concept because there is simply no way to regulate it. You can't have one cheat day per week. You can't have more than one cheat day per week. If you don't give yourself very specific circumstances to cheat, you will cheat all the time. That's just how it works. You have to keep your shitty appetite on a short leash from now on, especially at the start. For example, I never, ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER drink soda UNLESS I go to the movies in which case I allow myself an extra large of any soda there is. I only go to the movies like once every three months so I end up never really having soda. That being said, no soda, ever. Give it up. Give it up right now. Cold turkey. Never drink it. I cannot express this enough. You cannot drink soda regularly and be skinny. It is impossible. Do not even fucking try. Other examples, I will let myself eat cake if it is offered to me at a party but I will never under any circumstances seek out and buy cake for literally no reason. I will only eat one piece when offered, unless it is my birthday, then I will have two. I will never eat McDonalds unless I have, for example, walked 6 miles that day or something. You must earn it. You must earn the most delicious cheesy carby food and realize that before, you were basically just eating cake every day and calling it "normal".
5. Be wary of "healthy foods". Gluten free means nothing unless you have celiac disease. Chai tea lattes? Sounds like a yoga healthy crunchy dream, but it's incredibly horrible for you. Full of sugar. Cobb salads have bacon and eggs and cheese in them. Wheat bread is still bread.
6. Lay off the alcohol.

Let me know if you want any recipes. I never really feel as if I am depriving myself of tasty food, I just don't binge eat ice cream.

On to the exercise portion of this lesson. Keep in mind, the food thing is way more important. They say abs are made in the kitchen and it's true. But you should also probably work out in order to avoid the dreaded "skinny fat".

Basic principles with exercise:
1. You absolutely have to have a routine. You have to make working out a necessary part of the day. You can't just not go to the gym because you do not have time. You can't just not go to the gym because you're tired. You can't just not go to the gym because you have some other elaborate excuse for being weak. You have to treat it like eating, sleeping, or work. You have to just fucking do it. I don't know what else to say there. That is strictly a will power thing and you will either have something or not.
2. Running is simply not enough. There are plenty of giant fatasses that can run 3 miles in a relatively short amount of time. That speaks to their stamina but you're not doing this to be able to outrun giant desert cats. You're doing this so you don't silently weep when you try on clothing in Target. That being said, you absolutely have to lift. You. Must. Lift. Heavy. Things. And put them back down on the floor. And pick them back up. Lift first, run second, always. Dedicate one day to your lower body, and the next day to your upper body. You're going to be in pain fucking constantly, especially at first. Accept it now. Unless the muscles physically hurt when touched or you do not have full range of motion, you can still work them out. So do it.
3. Stretch before and after and, if you have the time, during. If I have all the time in the world, ideally, I come into the gym, stretch, lift things, stretch, run, and then stretch.

The way that I typically like to think of exercise is less like, oh, I'm doing this to be hot because that outlook poses problems. You'll be tired and sore and don't want to go to the gym because you just want instant results and it's just impossible to work that way. So I like to use really embarrassing scenarios to motivate myself to work out. Sometimes I'll pretend I'm training for the Hunger Games. I'm serious, it works.

Other things:
-That thing I said about instant results earlier? I was dead serious. You're not going to notice anything drastic, ever. That's just the nature of seeing yourself every day. It's like watching a puppy grow into a full grown adult Rottweiler. You just sort of see it every day and you look at it one day and go, huh, you could rip me to shreds easily, what happened? Just give it time.
-In regards to losing physical lbs, unless you are seriously obese, you will not ever lose more than a pound a week and still be considered "healthy". If you're obese, expect to lose 2-3 lbs a week and plateau at the "skinny fat" stage. It happens. Otherwise, when you go to a point where you're no longer considered "fat", don't pay too much attention to the scale. Don't pay attention to BMI. Pay attention to how much you jiggle when you walk. Pay attention to how much better your pants fit. Stand up straight and try to pinch the fat on your stomach and once it becomes difficult, you're now a majestic beautiful unicorn.
-Smoothies. Do the smoothies thing. Bananas and mangoes and soy milk (unsweetened) and protein powder and peanut butter. NO JUICE. STOP IT WITH THE JUICE.
-Nobody in the gym really cares about what you're doing. We don't see you and go "oh look at that disgusting hog" and we don't look at you and go "you go, girl" and wish the best for you. Unless you're like, super hot, no one is looking at you and if you're super hot and people are looking at you, that's good. What people do care about is if you are hogging a machine and texting while the gym is packed. If you get your sweat all over a machine and don't clean it off and give everyone ringworm. If you wear strong cologne or perfume. If you walk in front of people watching their form in the mirror (the more you lift, the more clearly annoying this will become). Just don't be a dick.

That's about it. Let me know if you want recipes/workout suggestions or have any questions."

You don't experience life by watching other people live it.

A few years ago I created something I like to call a "Bowl List." It's similar to a Bucket List, but it has a much smaller deadline so you can't put things off, and it is typically shorter. More shallow than a bucket, so it is a bowl. A bowl list typically consists of things you would like to try, learn, do, or experience. Well, my last list was pretty long. There are quite a few things I never got to. But there are a lot of things that I DID do.

My last bowl list:

• Go to the top of the Sears Tower. (check)
• Go to a shooting range (check)
• Take a pole dancing class (check)
• Learn a new type of dance (check)
• Go to a Baseball Game (check)
• Go to a Hockey Game (check)
• Learn how to play guitar
• Learn to use a sewing machine
• Learn Sign Language
• Obtain one of the plastic maps that hang in subway trains for every line of the CTA (almost check. I think I'm only missing 2) 
• Go paintballing
• Go Snowboarding
• Take a Yoga class

I know there are more that I'm not currently remembering but when I find my list I will add them here. I did learn one thing with my last list. I never had a deadline. That was my fault. If I had a deadline, I feel like I would have done more. This year I have a deadline. I have until December 31, 2014 to do these things.

My current bowl list:

• Try Ethiopian Food
• Get my FOID card
• Learn guitar
• Learn to ski
• Learn to ride a motorcycle
• Take a Yoga Class
• Go paintballing
• Learn to use my sewing machine
• Get a booth at a craft fair
• Start/Join a new book club
• Attend a NEW Renaissance Faire
• Try a new local restaurant once a month
• Play Whirlyball (We have coupons for this...we should probably use them)
• See all of the movies on John's Movie List*

(If I think of more things, I will update this as well.)

*JOHN'S TOP 10 MOVIES OF 2013* (John is a friend of mine. He should be a movie critic. He has great taste in movies. He watches popular films, indie films, independent films, foreign films, etc... I have made it one of my goals to watch every movie on his Top 10 of 2013 List)

10. Prisoners
9. Blue Jasmine
8. Captain Phillips
7. Her
6. Inside Llewyn Davis
5. Gravity
4. Nebraska
3. American Hustle
2. The Wolf of Wall Street
1. 12 Years A Slave
Some of these I have never even heard of, some I had no desire to see, and some were already on my own list to see. But, it's part of the list.. Gotta do it.


 If you're reading this and you can think of something I should add to my list, please comment and give me your suggestion.

If this is something you'd be interested in trying, I encourage you to GO FOR IT! What would you put on your list?

Life is too short to say "what if" and "I wish." You don't experience life by watching other people live it.

A Story For A Friend.

I lived in downtown Chicago for almost 3 years. A taxi/cab only had 3 purposes for me; I was running late for work, it was too cold to wait for the bus, or I was too drunk/tired to take an hour on the subway and bus to get home. Call me naive or self-centered but it never occurred to me that people used cabs for any other reasons than the ones I had already come up with.

A good friend of mine recently started a job as a 3rd shift cab driver in the South Suburbs of Chicago. He has been doing this a couple of months now and some of the things he sees are so raw. This friend is also an ordained minister. He is someone who loves well and this is the best job for him. He takes people to and from airports, to and from bars and casinos, but also to grocery stores, hospitals and medical treatment facilities, and delivers prescriptions. He meets people from all walks of life. There are hookers, strippers, gamblers, drunks, and other addicts. There are "upstanding" members of society who visit the aforementioned and make threats if their identities are revealed. There are the elderly, sick, or both who need assistance getting around. My friend has experiences and stories with all of these people. Not every night consists of a life-altering revelation, but they all have their own merit and impact on my friend.

He has a blog with these experiences. Some are funny. Some are sad. Some make you think. All of them make you feel. I highly recommend you read Night Moves: Diary of a Chicago Area Cabbie Preacher Man. Read it. Share it.

Disney Rant 1: The Little Mermaid

I was listening to "Kiss The Girl" from The Little Mermaid. For the first time I listened to the lyrics, all the way through, without trying to sing along. I'd never heard these lyrics before,

"And she don't say a word
She wont say a word
Until you kiss the girl"

I never really thought about that. Yes, I know the premise of the movie. But there they are, on a date, "floating in a blue lagoon" and this guy knows nothing about her. He has no idea who she is. Not even her name (until he hears the voices.)

It's obvious he doesn't know the lobster, the frogs, or the flamingos are singing, yet he hears them. He even asks her if she hears anything and she shakes her head no. She's letting this man think he's going crazy. He doesn't find it the least bit strange that this woman hasn't said ONE word, through the whole date, AND he can guess her name because he heard it in his head? 

Now, I know men are said to be simple, one-track-mind people, but I'd like to think it would take more than a pretty girl, sitting in a boat, not saying a word, "not a single word", to get a (sober) man to kiss her.

Am I expecting too much from the male race? I don't think so. So someone tell me, what does this guy see in her? Aside from her obvious beauty (red-head...duh) what does he really think she has to offer? Do they have anything in common? Prince Eric obviously knows his way around a ship and fishes. He fishes. Let me say this again, he fishes. He's probably killed Ariel's friends. Seriously. How is a MERMAID supposed to be with a PRINCE FISHERMAN? Think vegetarian with a butcher. That's dumb.

here's a video of that scene where they're in the boat....

AND URSULA! That bitch is worse than a used car salesman. She convinces this girl to give up her father, her sisters, and her voice by telling her that "men up there don't like a lot of blabber..." Now, I'm sure that's true to an extent, but do guys really want someone who willingly gave up their ability to speak, just to be with them, when they'd never really met? I know some men who would call that creepy and stalker-like. Just saying. 

Ariel's not all that brilliant either. She's the one that went to the evil sea-witch, signed the contract (even with all of those creepy soul things swimming around), and ditched her family. Kind of a shady thing to do. 

the one with Ursula scamming and some creepy soul things

Tell me I'm not alone in feeling this way. And I'm sure I'll have more to say on related Disney Princess topics so for now, we'll call this: Disney Rant 1.

"I don't know if I'll upset the status quo, if I throw poison in the water main."

This world needs more Pirates. and Browncoats.

(The following information is stuff that was told to me by a friend, and sourced to Kester Brewin, author of Mutiny: Why We Love Pirates and How They Can Save Us.)
Pirates came from the 1600s when sailors in the royal navy got sick of being treated unfairly. They were rarely compensated and often beaten. When a sailor would die, the roster on the ship would have a skull and crossed bones next to that person's name. This became the "jolly roger" we all know, love, and plaster on everything. Sailors became pirates because a sailor's life was a short one, so if they weren't going to live long, they may as well live merry. Pirates voted for officers on the ship. They were compensated if they were hurt. They shared everything equally.
Some people believe pirates were no more than thieves. Everyone was a thief. Countries stole from each other all the time (don't they still?). They were only hated because they didn't give the king a cut, sounds like the mob to me. "Pirates come to us in an act of radical self-determination. To move to piracy is an act of emancipation. Stepping out from under oppression." also, "Whenever the resourses of the many are enclosed for the benefits of the few, pirates will rise up, break that down, and put riches back in the hands of common people." 

What some people don't know, and I just learned today, is in the 50's BBC controlled the radio air waves. They only played 1 hour of "pop" music a week. Then, PIRATES! Radio Caroline came along and gave the music back. They were broadcasting from a boat and played nothing but "pop" music for everyone. There was a "book pirate" in 1706 by the name of Henry Hills, who would print books so everyone could afford them, not just the rich. The government didn't like it. They would assault him and destroy his equipment. He wanted to open the world of knowledge to everyone. "for the benefit of the poor" was printed on every book. They called him a pirate for breaking open "elitist privilege" and giving everyone access to information. On the other side of the world, Benjamin Franklin took this on, ignoring British copyright law, and was later able to brag that, "easy access to books has made common American tradesman more intelligent than aristocrats from other countries." America became known as the original "Pirate Nation."

Pirates existence signifies that something that should be common, has become all about private personal gain.


______________________________________________________________

For my non-nerdy friends out there, of which there are few, a "Browncoat" is a term from the short lived TV Show, "Firefly" created by Joss Whedon. Anyone please, correct me if I'm wrong but a Browncoat is a term for the Independence, those who fought against the Alliance and interplanetary unification. The Alliance won the war but they are not the good guys. They are the government who control everything to make the rich richer and the poor poorer. (sound familiar?).




But I'm referring to the real life Browncoats. There are fans of the show, who were so inspired by Captain Mal and his crew that they formed their own charitable groups. There are Austin Browncoats, California Browncoats, and Southeastern Browncoats.
Can't Stop the Serenity is a global charitable event to benefit Equality Now and other causes that are chosen based on local need.Some cities include Kids Need to Read, a charity co-founded by our Captain, Nathan Fillion and author PJ Haarsma. The project began in 2006 and has raised a combined total of more than $600,000.

________________________________________________________________

This world needs more Pirates and Browncoats. We need to do something that upsets the system. Something that takes puts the needs of the many before the wants of the few. There needs to be a way to show the government, local and national, that they can not keep getting away with taking from the poor to make themselves richer.

Thankfully, I know a certain High Brow Pirate who is planning to do just that, and I intend to join him on his crusade to throw a spoke in the wheel.






http://youtu.be/escnWFDUYhI
^Link to the TEDxTalk with Kester Brewin.

"I always said that I would make mistakes. I'm only human, and that's my saving grace."

As a new mother I am constantly comparing myself to other mothers. I'm learning that this is a very toxic thing. Last week I had a very rough morning with my daughter. She wouldn't eat. She kept throwing stuff on the floor. She would cry when I tried to feed her. If I left the room to get something to distract her, she would scream. I broke down. I got mad. I cried. I felt empty. I brought her to her babysitter's house before I left for work. This mother stays at home with three kids from 1yr-4yrs. They were all playing outside. My daughter got a big smile on her face. Sat well for her while she taught the oldest how to hit a ball off of a tee. I got jealous. Jealous and sad. I left and broke down again. The rest of the day I felt like I sucked. I felt guilty for working. I felt guilty for the laundry piled up, the dishes in the sink, the empty fridge, and for not being home to teach my daughter things. Mostly, I was/am scared that the first time my daughter says, "mama" it's going to be to someone else.

I talked to a few people this day about what was bothering me. Most of the responses I was getting were not what I was looking for. "You're a great mom. That's not going to happen. Don't worry about it." Thank you but that's not quite what I was hoping for. Two women in my life were the most helpful. One is a stay at home mom, the other is a teacher and is gone most of the day.

The stay at home mom told me how she used to watch her niece, and her niece called her "mama" for a while. She also told me how it took a while for her son to take his dad because she was home with him all day. But that stuff is temporary. Her niece is very close to her mother now and her son always wants to be around his dad. "Kids go through phases" she said. Her last bit of advise was, "It's a hard choice to make and I think every mother has at least a little guilt about it. Value the time you have with her; even if it's just watching her sleep."

The working mom related a little more and helped me see that by working I am saving us both. She worked through both of her kids growing up and they still formed great bonds. They don't get stressed out mom from them driving her crazy all day, and the time they get to spend together is extra special. Some stay at home moms lose their sanity and their identity. This is not true for all, but those who are all about their children 24/7 can lose what makes them who they are. Not to mention the lack of other adult interaction for 8-12 hours a day. This friend also helped me understand that it's good for her to make attachments to other people because it helps when we do need a babysitter. And the best part, "she will always know who mommy is and mommy comfort will always be the best!"


There is a difference between comparing ourselves to other people, and finding camaraderie and support within each other. 

There are some women who are cut out for the stay at home thing. And that is wonderful. I don't know if I'll ever be that person who can stay home, make three meals a day, get all the cleaning done, do the laundry, take the kids to the zoo and museum, grow a garden, make jam, and anything else that all of these super moms I know can do.
But I can love my daughter. I can make enough money to pay for the safe car that takes her to the babysitter, where she can play with other kids. I can take her to the museum or zoo on the weekend. I can give her the same store bought jam I had when I was a kid. I may not have clean socks but she will always have clean clothes, even if they aren't hung up. I will introduce her to a love for books and movies. Her dad will teach her a love for technology and nature. We will always be her parents. 

I need to make a conscious effort not to compare myself to other mothers. It's not easy, but I'm trying.

"Every saint has a past, every sinner has a future..."

So, I was having coffee with a long time friend this morning. We talked about a lot of things. A blog was inspired by one of them.

I asked this friend, who is of the male species, "Why are men attracted to crazies?" he replied with, "The sex is great." O.o You laugh. I laughed. It's funny. This is not the first time I've heard this as an answer from one of my male friends. We kept talking and he went a little deeper and brought up an idea that never really occurred to me; 'women are not the only ones who like "fixer-uppers."

I never thought of it that way. We all know men like to fix things. When we have a fight with a friend, a problem at work, or a generally bad day, the men-folk have answers. Don't get me wrong, they mean well. But sometimes we don't want their solutions. We want a bowl, or carton, of ice cream, a hug, or for some women a handgun and shooting range. We want to vent and blow off steam. But men like to fix things so of course they, too, would be attracted to fix things. Ladies, we are all guilty of crushing on that bad boy thinking we could get him on the "right path." Who of us 90s kids didn't have a crush on Sean from Boy Meets World? It was always Sean and Eric. The rebel, slacker, bad boy... or the not so bright but sometimes wise and always adorable older guy. We never crushed on Cory. Cory was the best friend. We instantly friend-zoned any guy like Cory. The Corys of the world, friend-zoned, went after the crazy girls. (Sean and Eric had issues with crazy girls too)

We need to keep in mind, that while some guys did watch Boy Meets World, most of them were watching comic shows. They were watching TMNT, Power Rangers, Spiderman, Superman... hell, they're still watching these things. Men growing up thinking they need to be superheros. They save the city, save the world, save the universe. Above all else, they rescue the damsel in distress. How many times did Mary Jane get kidnapped and dangled over a building? How many times did Bluto/Brutus kidnap Olive Oyl? How many times did a creepy mustached man tie a woman to some railroad tracks? For as long as I can think back, the "damsel in distress" was an important archetype. I'm going to save my argument on the damage fairy tales do for another day.

Back on topic. Men have hero complexes. There are some women (mostly the crazies) who use this to their advantage. They put themselves in ridiculous situations for attention from men. Sometimes they stay in bad relationships for sympathy. Sometimes they exaggerate a situation to make themselves a victim. I've even witnessed a woman make up people and situations and drama. She called her male friends to come help her and of course they came running, only to find out that her "aggressors" were already gone. This happened multiple times. Years later, they realized that all of these stories were completely false and these people never existed. Some women take advantage of these "super hero" men.

Another way they take advantage is through the first answer... Sex. Now, I do NOT want to hear, "what man doesn't want to be taken advantage of with sex?" That's ignorant. My friend mentioned to me that the crazy women we're speaking of do things in the bedroom (or wherever) that some other women wont. But they use it as a control mechanism. In the beginning it will be all the time, then maybe not as much as the relationship progresses. Later, when you want to go out with the guys and she wants you home she'll offer it up as a bargaining chip. "If you stay home, I'll do that thing you like." Well, that will work a few times... But if you finally get sick of not seeing your friends and try to end things, you'll fight and she'll bring it up, you'll do that thing, and then you'll be right back in. Because you don't want to lose that thing. It is no longer about the person you are with and it is about what she has over you. You end up losing your self, losing your friends, and any shred of self-respect. It's a bribe. This sex is a piece of candy and you're a child with a sweet tooth. You're going to get a stomach ache. Don't get me wrong.. both sexes do this. There are men who are great at sex but suck as people and women stay with them because the sex is so good.

There will always be crazy women and the men who chase them. There will always be jerk bad boys and the women who think they can save them. As long as there are heroes, there will be damsels in distress (or vise versa). These archetypes are not going anywhere any time soon. Not unless we, as a society, do something to change the way we treat each other.

For the men out there, you need to value yourselves as more than "The protector", "the provider", or "the man-of-the-house" These are all great things but that's not all you are. Just as women need to realize that if they need something fixed they can come to you, if you need something fixed, you can go to them. Women are not weak. Not all men are strong. We need to balance and compliment each other rather than manipulate each other. Everyone is a little crazy. Everyone can be jerks. Everyone has the capacity for greatness. With that greatness, we can make the world a better place. Let start with each other. 



These are just the humble ramblings of someone with coffee, thoughts, and free time.